


Apocalypse AU

by b0r3d_bl0gg3r



Series: Late Night Tumblr Prompts [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 21:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4409363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/b0r3d_bl0gg3r/pseuds/b0r3d_bl0gg3r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Itachi wants Sasuke and decent service, Sakura wants Ino, Ino wants people to take selfies with her, Hidan wants to fight, and Naruto-</p><p>Nobody really knows what Naruto wants. </p><p>(Except Ramen of course.)</p><p>Or the one where the apocalypse happens and nobody gets what they want, except Naruto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no fucking clue what this is.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Ino takes a selfie with Hidan in the middle of an apocalypse.
> 
> And then tweets it.

" _This is your damn fault_." Hissed Hidan, the knife in his hand clutched tightly, and narrowed his eyes at anything that so much as moved.

Ino looked up from where she was typing on her phone and tilted her head at him, "How?"

"I don't fucking know, it just is!"

She rolled her eyes, muttering something unintelligible, and jumped off the ledge. As she moved past him she gave him a light shove, and went back to typing on her phone.

Hidan grunted in annoyance and glanced at her, "And what the fuck are you doing, blondie?"

Ino paused for a second and then shook her head, before pointing behind them, "There."

"Don't fucking ignore me blondie." He did turn around, however, right after he kicked her in the back of the knee.

"Hey!"

Choosing to ignore her in favour of the sight behind them, Hidan rolled his injured shoulder. Two nights ago a lone creature had ambushed them out of _fucking nowhere_ and he had been unlucky enough to be the one closest to it.

Standing in front of Hidan, now, were a horde of the same creatures, except bigger. And carrying mutilated human parts. And they were slowly making their way towards them.

Well wasn't that just great.

Jashin-sama's gonna be pleased, Hidan thought. He grinned at the approaching monsters and broke into a run. He wasn't a patient fighter.

('You're not a fighter at all.' Kakuzu would reply if he was here.

Except Hidan had decapitated him a week ago, the same time he'd met Blondie.)

He swiped widely with his knife and kicked and bit into any piece of flesh he could. They'd figured out that Hidan was pretty much immune to the infection that had been spreading around the world like wildfire, and that his saliva could do some pretty nasty things to the fucking infected.

Like make them **explode**.

"FUCK YEAH!" Hidan laughed, blood spraying his face as he ran towards his last target. But right as he was a few feet away, he tripped.

Now you'd think the creatures slow gait and Hidan's immunity would mean that he was relatively safe. Think again.

The creature let out a terrifying screech and lunged for Hidan, swinging the half eaten arm in its hand in an arc aimed at his head. It connected. Quite a lot of times.

"Fuck." Hit. "Fucking stop." Hit. "FUCK SAKE-" Thwack. "I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD YOU MOTHERFUCKING CHEESE GRATER-!"

THUD.

Hidan blinked -or well he thought he was blinking, he couldn't really tell with how bruised his eyes were- and tried to move the now motionless creature off of him. He failed, mainly because he couldn't actually _fucking move his arms._

"Fuck." He cursed.

"Wow, you suck." Ino moved into view, still typing away.

"Fuck you!" Hidan screeched, "Get this motherfucking piece of shit off me!"

"Give me a second." Ino muttered. She swiped a hand through her hair, angling the phone towards Hidan, and took a selfie.

"What the fuck."

"I'm gonna tweet this." She squinted her eyes at her phone, as if unsure of something.

Hidan rolled his eyes. Fucking finally realised how fucking stupid-

"Hey, how do you spell your name?"

"THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE IS HAPPENING, I CAN'T FUCKING MOVE MY ARMS, AND YOU," Hidan glared at her, "YOU COW SHITTING BITCH OF A MOTHERFUCKER CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO STOP FUCKING LIVETWEETY-"

"It's live tweeting."

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE. JUST GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF ME!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ino dedicates a whole account to 'apocalypse selfies' once the one with Hidan gets popular real fast, complete with witty commentary (and scathing remarks when Deidara joins their merry band of survivors). 
> 
> I dunno, there might be a sequel involving Sakura, Itachi, Naruto and a lot of ramen. Maybe. 
> 
> Uh, tell me what you think? I, myself, have no idea.


	2. Naruto's a rare moron.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto's an idiot only 10% of the time. It's just too bad for Sakura and Itachi that he decides to be so in the most crucial of times. 
> 
> (The one where Naruto's a rare moron.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi. Naruto. Sakura. 
> 
> What more could you want?
> 
> (Decent plot and character development, said no one ever.)

Naruto glanced behind him to check if Sakura was still glaring at him. It had been an hour now and clearly she wasn't going to stay mad at him forever.

She was still glaring.

"I said I'm sorry, Sakura-chan." Naruto whined, shifting the satchel to his other shoulder. She continued to glare.

Itachi sighed from where he was leading their little group, massaging his temple at the growing headache. He'd lost his glasses earlier today and the headaches only grew worse without his medication.

"Sakura-san," Sakura's gaze shifted to him, turning questioning instead of murderous, "Naruto-san-

"Call me Naruto!" Naruto interjected.

Itachi sent him the most deadpanned look he could. Here he was trying to help him and the moron couldn't shut up for even a-

Itachi sighed again, mentally shaking his thoughts away. This apocalypse had him more irritable than he'd ever been his whole life.

Except for the time Sasuke had swapped his conditioner for glue. That time he had been absolutely _furious_.

"As I was saying," Itachi continued, "Naruto-san has already apologised enough to both of us and-

"That's not the problem." He was interrupted again -he wondered where the fear he used to instil in them had gone- this time by Sakura, her expression once again turning murderous.

"That moron is the reason you're getting those headaches."

Naruto looked confused; Itachi wasn't really surprised, he just hoped the boy wouldn't make this situation worse by saying something stupid.

_Of course_ Naruto did exactly that.

"You're getting headaches? How's that my fault?"

Itachi was slowly growing concerned with the colour of red Sakura was turning, maybe this much exposure to Naruto wasn't healthy for her. He'd have to ask Sasuke how to handle the both of them the next time they reached an area that had mobile service.

"YOU THREW HIS GLASSES AT THE FUCKING CREATURES YOU IDIOT!" Sakura exploded, "AND AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, YOU THEN ATE HIS MEDICATION -I HONESTLY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU WERE THINKING- AND PASSED OUT RIGHT WHEN FIFTEEN OF THOSE CREATURES CORNERED US!"

"Uh-"

"AND THEN AFTER WE FINALLY MANAGED TO ESCAPE AND HAUL YOUR _UNGRATEFUL ASS AWAY,_ " She continued, face growing even redder and tone going a little more hysterical, "YOU SOMEHOW MANGED TO NOT ONLY LOOSE ALL OUR FOOD, BUT COLLECT THIRTY CUPS OF _RAMEN_ AS BACK UP!"

Silence followed her outburst.

Itachi wisely stayed quiet and glanced away from Sakura's heaving form. Knowing she'd appreciate the privacy. Naruto wasn't so wise and therefore cautiously walked towards her.

"I'm sorry Sakura-chan," He earnestly began, and Sakura's eyes softened slightly. As angry and tired as she was, there was no reason to take it out on Naruto.

"If you wanted some of my ramen you should've just asked ya know."

Sakura let out a shriek and stomped away. Naruto blinked at her retreating back and then at Itachi, who was staring wide eyed at Sakura too.

"What's wrong with her?" He asked.

Itachi turned to face him with a look that could _almost_ be described as awe, "You're something else, Naruto-san."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why are Itachi, Sakura and Naruto together? Where is Sasuke? No body knows, not even me. 
> 
> Where did Naruto find so much ramen? (Ramen is not affected by the world ending. It is the food necessity when you're in an apocalypse, it's too bad Sakura just doesn't fucking care.) Maybe we'll find out.


	3. The one where HIdan's useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan might be dead and Ino might be a survivalist.
> 
> Or the one where HIdan's useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I back? I have like shit tonne of homework to do.

 

_'w tach n naru mt t wtr'_

Well, Ino squinted down at the screen, that makes absolutely no sense at all.

Sakura's text had arrived with a 'ding' about 5 minutes ago, whether that meant she had sent it at that time was highly unlikely considering the fluctuating phone signals in the area. It did, however, mean that Sakura was relatively safe. That thought alone was enough to satisfy Ino until she managed to decipher the rest of Sakura's message. While the first half could easily be translated into _'with Itachi and Naruto'_ , the second half wasn't as cooperative. Neither was HIdan.

"Fuck, bitch." HIdan moaned, tongue lolling out and slurring his speech, "We're out of water again." 

Ino chanced a quick glance at the silver haired male-

(She knew for certain it wasn't dyed that way because his hair had grown and his roots still managed to look silver.)

-and gave him her blandest look, the one she usually reserved for the likes of fools like Naruto and Kiba. Hidan, for once, didn't dignify her with any kind of response; choosing instead to abruptly stop and lay on the ground, the hand that was clutching at the make-shift water bottle -which was really just a plastic bag, bottle top and string- outstretched and pathetically empty.

"What the hell," Ino glared at him. That was their last source of water and this dip shit had just drank it all, "Why would you use our only source of water?"

"I didn't."

Ino didn't know what was more surprising, the fact that Hidan hadn't actually drunk the water, or the fact that he'd said that without a _single_ curse word.

"It fucking leaked out." He continued, raising his arm to show her the slight rip in the plastic. 

"Well, fuck."

"Fucking yeah." Hidan agreed, groaning and curling into himself. He clutched his stomach as if in pain and Ino rolled her eyes. If this idiot thought she was going to fall for that again, he was sorely mistaken.

"Al right HIdan, let's go." When he didn't move and continued to groan Ino's brow furrowed in irritation, "You're taking this joke to a whole new level and just wasting time now idiot, get up."

Hidan didn't move. He'd even stopped groaning and was now stock still and still clutching at his stomach. 

_Not good_ was the only thing going through Ino's mind; the weeks she'd spent with HIdan had shown her that he didn't stay still, or quiet, for long. This silence was uncharacteristic of him, enough to make her slightly worried. 

She stooped down to her knees and leaned in to take a closer look at Hidan. While his face was scrunched up in what looked to her like pain, and he was pale (but really when _wasn't_ HIdan pale?), he didn't show any signs of the ' **turning** '. Breathing a sigh of relief, Ino let herself fall to the dirt covered floor. If Hidan had actually been in the process of ' **turning** ' she'd have to decapitate him and till now the only people she'd done that to were her parents, an experience she really did not want to go through once more, no matter how much she hated the man. 

Giving herself a few seconds to think, Ino decided her first course of action was to find some sort of shelter and drag Hidan to it, only then would she be able to ascertain what was actually wrong with him. Then she'd have to restock their supplies. Food was running dangerously low and one of their water holders was now damaged, and since she had no way of fixing this (where was good old duct tape when a girl most needed it), she would have to either make a new one -unlikely- or go without -even more unlikely. 

With a firm nod, Ino rose and dusted the dirt off her jeans and took a glance around the area. While the terrain they were currently in was mainly long stretches of nothing but dirt, there were a few patches of land that rose above the ground that could be used for both shelter and a vantage point. And luck was clearly on Ino's side today because there was such an area only 30 feet or so away from them. 

Stooping down once more, this time to secure her hands around HIdan's own, she tried to pull the body along.

It didn't work. for someone who looked almost as thin as her, Hidan had was surprisingly heavy, he weighed almost as much as Sakura and Naruto did. 

"Okay. So no pulling." Ino decided, looking around for some other way to transport Hidan's uncooperative body to what would become their makeshift shelter. She didn't have to look long; as soon as she'd turned Ino had had spotted a figure emerging from underneath the dirt a fee feet away from her.

If she hadn't had the opportunity to be present for one of HIdan's religious rituals and habits on a daily basis, Ino might have actually been surprised. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are basically first hand drafts that are not (and quite possible never going to be) beta-ed. Enjoy them as they are. 
> 
> But would you be able to guess who mystery person is? I'll give you a hint it's not Ino.


	4. The one with Deidara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ino likes living life on the edge, but sometimes edges are sharp and painful.
> 
> (Or the one with Deidara)

“So Dadara-

“It’s Deidara, yeah.”

“Right,” Ino nodded absentmindedly, “Dedera.”

“For fuck’s sake.” Deidara groaned, “What is _wrong_ with you?”

Ino chanced a glance at him and frowned, she really didn’t like his tone of voice and the fact that he had literally the same hairstyle as she did and even the same fucking eye colour just pissed her off-

(She was a fashion icon, dammit! Apocalypse be damned)

-and the fact that she’d had to feed him her last morsels of food in exchange for his help in lifting Hidan up really wasn’t improving her already failing mood. Which was made worse by the fact that she absolutely could not decipher Sakura’s message even now, after staring at it for what seemed like an hour. The fact that Sakura had sent her _another_ just as cryptic message a few minutes after the first wasn’t really helping either.

‘ _nar rmn – kll m’_

_What the fuck even, Sakura._

Ino had tried to text back, but her phone was kind of really smashed after their last encounter with a zombie mob so all she could do now was watch as texts came, but she couldn’t respond to them in any way.

_Fucking great._

And Ino had been trying hard not to think too negatively about her circumstances, but she missed Sakura and Shikamaru and Choji and _her parents, oh god._

She sniffed discreetly, or as discreetly as one could while there were two grown men leaning on either side of her, while she found HIdan’s closeness to her unavoidable seeing as he was literally dead to the world, Deidara’s clinginess was borderline creepy especially coupled with the fact that he was a stranger and her mommy-

 _No._ Ino stopped herself, _don’t think about that._

Instead she glanced over at Deidara when he grunted, only to find him staring right back at her, and with him this close to her face – close enough that if she shifted she could probably head butt him and make it _hurt_ – she managed to notice that his eyes were a shade lighter than hers, more the colour of the sky before than the sapphire blue she was known for.

“Pretty.”

“Huh?” Deidara’s features shifted, and _hoy fuck did I say that out loud?_

Well, Ino wasn’t one to shy away and she certainly wasn’t a coward, that was Sakura’s job, “Your eyes, I said they’re pretty.”

Deidara gave her a weird look before rolling his eyes, shifting away to lean back against the hard rock, grunting in pain when the jagged edges dug into his back.

“Haven’t heard that in a while.” He muttered, eyes closed and hands scratching idly at his chin, “Thanks.”

“Uh,” Ino blinked, confused and a little dumbfounded by his response, she was used to Naruto’s exclamation of ‘I’m manly!’ and Shikamaru’s murmured disagreements when she complimented their features like that, it was a strange occurrence but not an unwelcome one.

“You’re welcome.” She finally said, turning back towards her phone when the tell-tale sound of an incoming text rang clear.

_‘nar shark’_

Ino squinted at her screen, well at least Sakura wasn’t going to be bored any time soon, Naruto was a beacon for trouble and adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, but at least I'm not dead. Exams are just time consuming ya know?
> 
> I also made a twitter exclusively to write and rant about things I love; https://twitter.com/suga_thesinger


End file.
